Last week I wrote about the importance of bonding with your baby, and here I will explain how to set about bonding, and some of the pitfalls to try to avoid.
Baby Massage
I learnt about baby massage from an American nurse during my third pregnancy and I really wish that I had known about it when I had my first two babies. It is a lovely time for both of you and helps baby to sleep well. In many cultures, massage is an ancient tradition, but in the west, we are really only just beginning to come around to its benefits.
After bath time is a good time. Put a soft baby towel on the changing mat and make sure the room is at a comfortable temperature for baby. Remove all jewellery and use just a little baby oil or almond oil. Rub a little in your hands before you start, to make it warm.
Face – Stroke the baby's face, starting with gentle circular motions on the forehead. Talk to your baby all the time; your baby will be enjoying eye contact with you.
Chest – Place the palms of your hands in the centre of your baby's chest and gradually circle your palms outwards as though you were opening a precious book. Talk to your baby all the time and gently sweep your hands over the shoulders and chest.
Stomach – Place your hands horizontally across the stomach and gently move down towards the legs; then move the hands up again so that you have a circular motion of the hands.
Arms – Gently hold baby's arms below the armpit and with both hands stroke down the arm towards the wrist, with a gentle twisting motion. Then massage the palm of the hand with the palm of your hand. If your baby does not want to open his hand, leave this for another time.
Legs – Hold on to the thigh with both hands and gently move your hands downwards with a gentle twisting motion towards the ankle. Massage the sole of the foot from heel to toe with the flat of your hand and give each toe a gentle tug.
Back – Finish the massage with the back. Place both hands vertically on the spine and sweep over the shoulders in a caressing movement.
There are no strict rules for a baby massage, but it should only take a few minutes, be very gentle, and always stop if your baby does not enjoy it.
Massage teaches your baby to be aware of his body and it gives them a mental image of themselves as a physical being. Most importantly, it shows your baby that you love him and accept him as a beautiful person.
Talking To Your Baby
You can tell your baby anything and everything. Your baby is a great listener and loves the sound of your voice. If you look at your baby and talk he will look at you and try to talk back, even if no sound is coming out. Babies will do this at about six weeks.
Playing and Singing
Babies love to be played with and they also love stories and songs. They will enjoy your singing, even if, like I do, you sing completely out of tune. They like to be rocked rhythmically and gently bounced on your knee. Simple toys like a rattle really amuse them and they love repetition, so entertaining your baby does not require much brainpower on your part.
Bath Time
Many mothers are tired in the evening, so make bath time at a time when you feel up to it and can take your time and be relaxed. But try to make it at a fixed time every day.
Skin to Skin
Babies are sensuous little beings and love skin to skin contact. So in the mornings, bring your baby into bed for a chat and a cuddle.
Can't Bond?
Not all mothers bond with their babies the moment they are born and some mothers are often very tired and shocked by the whole experience of childbirth. If the doctor or midwife suddenly holds up a tiny red infant covered in blood, and with a screwed up face, it is more likely to send you into a state of shock than initiate intimate feelings of possession. In your birth plan, ask that your baby is placed on your stomach or chest when born so that you can start by feeling the wonderful weight of the baby you have created. Smell their breath, which is incredibly sweet. Gradually feel the baby and take your time to take in this amazing experience. And once the baby has been washed and wrapped up, give your baby a cuddle and smell the sweet, special smell of your baby's neck.
Jealous Partner
Although you and your partner have both been nervously awaiting the arrival of the new person in your lives together, you will have been falling in love with your unborn child throughout your nine months of pregnancy. Your partner has yet to bond and he will not bond well if you give him the cold shoulder and relegate him to second place in your affections. Not surprisingly, he will need a lot of reassurance and affection to ensure that he does not start to feel like a supernumerary. The way to avoid this is to discuss during pregnancy the realities of having a new born baby in the house. The fact is that in the first six weeks, the household will be in turmoil and you will be at the complete disposal of your tiny bundle. You will feel insecure in your new role and will feel the weight of responsibility to keep the little scrap of humanity alive and well. You will also feel tremendously tired from giving birth, edgy, and prone to tears. As when taking on any new job, you will feel apprehensive and will worry about your competence.
There is little time or opportunity for you to look glamorous or feel attractive, as you may still have a swollen stomach, but all these things will pass and it is only for a short time. Encourage your partner to enjoy baby bonding time. Don't worry that he may not seem to know what he is doing because the important thing is for him to be spending time with the baby, and he will learn, given the time. If you can't resist the temptation to interfere and show him the correct way to do something – leave the room! Plan some time each day to bond with your partner because your relationship with him is the most important. It is the bedrock of family life. Try to retain a sense of humour and don't worry, get nappy! One day, life will return to normal and you will have time to paint your toenails again.
Rituals and Bonding
Babies and children love routine as it helps them to sort out time. Bath, massage, and bedtime are all important routines. Daddy always makes breakfast at the weekends. The day ends with a story, a chat, and a prayer.
Starting a family is a wonderful opportunity to establish your own set of family rituals.
Bonding never ends. My boys are far from babies now but I still enjoy spending quality time where they have my undivided attention to talk about their interests. With James, it might be him showing me his latest computer game. Jeremy and I may go to the cinema together, followed by a hamburger, whilst my eldest, Jordan, enjoys a meal in a fashionable pub whilst talking to me about his studies in America. As your children change, it is important to spend time accepting them and enjoying time with them.
But bonding in the first few weeks is vital as it teaches your child to trust the world and to be optimistic about life and is the greatest gift that a mother can bestow.